I tend to be an anxious person. Like Martha, I am "careful and troubled" about many things. Through the years, I have struggled to prevent my doubts and fears from controlling my life.

My mother died of tuberculosis when I was very young. My grandparents raised all eight of us: four brothers and four sisters. It was during the Depression — not an easy time — and my dad was often away to wherever he could find work. My grandpa was a devoted deacon in an Indian Baptist church, and my grandma would take in quilting in order to have money for church. At that time, Indian people were encouraged to let their children learn and speak English, so my grandparents sent us to the First Baptist Church in town. On Saturday evenings, my grandma would read the Sunday school lessons to me. The next morning, I was always able to answer all the questions the teacher asked. My grandma continued to read the lessons to me each week until I was able to read them for myself.

While I learned about the Bible stories, mission work, tithing, and the Ten Commandments, I also heard many "fire and brimstone" sermons, so instead of coming to know a loving God, I came to know a God of judgment. I began to worry about not being "good enough" at home, at school, and at Sunday school.

One summer the churchwomen offered to pay my way to summer camp. It was one of the times I realized I was a "poor" kid, although I hadn't considered our family to be poor. I was hurt and embarrassed that people had the impression that we were poor. Once I went with my Sunday school class to take food to a poor family. Their house was dirty and cluttered, and it smelled bad. That, to me, was poor, and my family was not like that. People's perceptions of me became another source of concern. As I grew up, I continued to struggle with these feelings. Because of my doubts and fears, I took few chances and did not attempt new things. Eventually, I married a ministerial student. The next years were spent working and moving to different charges while my husband completed college and seminary. We raised our family and I returned to school and became a teacher. As we answered the call to new assignments and moved from church to church, I began to face the fears and doubts that had troubled me all those years.

I realized that, by putting my faith in God, God would be with me in new situations and would give me strength. As a result, many of my energy-consuming fears never became a reality. Despite my fear of being unemployed in a new community, I was able to teach until I was ready to retire. My fears of loneliness were eased when we found friends who were like family when we were far from our own loved ones. I even found babysitters for my children who were like grandparents to them. My doubts about God's presence gave way to a strong faith with the help of supportive congregations and prayer groups. I was able to turn over to God my concerns about raising my children to be self-respecting individuals; today God continues to be a part of their lives. My fears of crisis were eased as we continued to face my husbandŐs serious health problems, knowing that a healing God was there with us.

Like the children of Israel, I had lessons to learn. My doubts and fears were akin to their wandering in the wilderness. Only after I was able to let go of my doubts and fears and to trust in God was I able to find peace.

In our recent retirement move to a small congregation in Kansas, God answered our prayers for a place to continue serving that would be close to our family. And the congregation's need for a pastor was met as well. God's plan for me is perfect and I'm learning to live expectantly, trusting that God is always with me.

Discussion Questions

• Have you allowed society or people to control your ability to succeed?
• How has God helped you overcome your fears? Can you share that story?
• Have you ever judged someone unjustly? If so, how did you make it right?
• How have you felt when people judged you?

Scripture

Proverbs 3:1-8
Romans 5:1-5

Prayers

Opening
Creator God, we're gathered here to hear another story from our Native American sister. Help us keep focused on what we can learn. Help us focus our attention on your presence, your voice, your will, and your calling. Through your Holy Name and your Holy Son, we pray. Amen.

Closing
Creator God, how many times have we felt like Vera in her youth? Creator God, how many times have we spoken hurtful words to other young Veras? We probably don't know the effect of our words and actions, but, Creator God, give us the awareness of others, so we never cause other young Veras to be so fearful. Be with each us each day of our daily lives, and strengthen us to be loving and kind to all we meet. Amen.

Vera Freeman is a Western Cherokee. A retired schoolteacher and wife of a United Methodist pastor, she and her husband have three children and live in Galena, Kansas.