When I was a young girl, my belief in the Lord was born of fear and intimidation. My childhood was strongly influenced by a Southern Baptist church where the preacher got "excited" over his sermons. I believed all preachers had special powers, could see the bad in me, and were ready to crush me with lightning.

My grandfather was a preacher. And since I knew only one kind of preacher, my grandfather scared me! I know it sounds sad and silly, but fear had put its claws into me and would not let go. And there's more . . . I was standing in line in a big department store, anxiously waiting my turn to visit with Santa Claus. As I got closer to Santa's little cottage, I peeked in the window. There was my grandfather! I realized at that moment that Santa was not real. Imagine a little six-year-old girl, thinking, if Santa isn't real, then Jesus must not be real either! My faith journey began.

Although I did not know Jesus as a child, I had a relationship with God. Maybe it developed because children are so pure in God's eyes. As time passed, my spiritual life was lacking practice. Soon I became a lost soul. My conversations with God continued, however, and there were many times when I found great comfort in them. It was not until after I had my first child that I began to pursue moral and spiritual answers to life. During this pursuit I stepped onto the Good Red Road.

The Good Red Road is a Native Indian term for the path you walk when seeking a relationship with the Creator, our God. It is the way you view your life, behave in society, and respect nature . . . very much like being a Christian!

My walk began when I volunteered as a guide at a museum dedicated to the Mississippi Indian Mounds along the Ohio River. I knew from various family reunions that I had Indian blood, but that was all that was revealed. My time at the museum whetted my appetite for a better understanding of my heritage. My spouse's career quickly took us to Peoria, Illinois, where a whole new world was to open before me.

During this transition, a childhood dream began to resurface. The dream was of a girl with long raven-black hair and olive skin. No words were ever spoken, but her eyes cried out to me. Etched into those big beautiful blue eyes were centuries of pain and suffering, and deep within, a hope for the future. Somehow I was connected to that hope. One night I realized that the girl in my dream was my great-great-grandmother, a full blood Chickasaw. I did not need lineage papers to prove this. God had placed this gift of knowledge in my heart, and it was confirmed as time went on.

I began to practice the general concepts of the Good Red Road with great faith. As I opened my heart to what had been buried in my soul and in my grandmother's soul for centuries, I sensed a belonging. I began to understand why I felt the way I did about Jesus. So many hurtful things had been done to the Native Indians in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ. How could Jesus or God want to hurt people if they loved them? Like the song says, "red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight."

Settling into our new home in Peoria, it wasn't too long before I found myself volunteering for a newly forming Pow Wow Committee. Through this group of people I met my current pastor. One day she announced a service she was doing for Native American Awareness Sunday at a United Methodist church. I had never been to a United Methodist church, so I decided to go.

The service was a beautiful blend of Christianity and Native American tradition. Things began to crystallize in my head as this wonderful pastor unfolded her sermon like a well-woven blanket. I began to see similarities in the two traditions. I began to recognize my grandmother, her Indian people, and my ancestors. At the same time, I recognized Jesus Christ in my life. I was able to open the door to both Jesus Christ and my grandmother. I have learned and grown spiritually with both. I did not have to deny one or the other. I took Communion for the first time in twenty-five years.

My faith journey has taken many paths as I have grown spiritually through the years. The Good Red Road is now the permanent path I shall journey for the rest of my life. And as I go down that road, two shadows walk beside me: my grandmother and Jesus Christ. I call him "He who died on the cross for our sins."

Discussion Questions

• When has fear turned into joy on your faith journey?
• During your faith journey, when have you questioned the existence of Jesus Christ?
• How can confronting these fears strengthen your faith journey?

Scripture

Psalm 61
Luke 1:76-79

Prayers

Opening
Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ. Bring all you are to this place. Bring your sorrows, your burdens, your strengths and needs. This is a place where you will find strength and support. Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ. [Amen.]
(From Worship & Daily Life, Discipleship Resources, p. 19)

Closing
Creator God, strengthen and guide us when we stumble along our path. Create for us a clear path. We pray for strength to overcome the obstacles in our way as we go into the night. We go with confidence that you will be with us. [Amen.]

Jill E. Wilder is of Chickasaw descent. Affiliated with the Native American Fellowship of Peoria, Illinois, she aspires to be a lay speaker and writer on Native American Spirituality.