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Christian Parents as Sex Educators: One Couple's Approach To Guiding Their Teenagers
by Joanne and Kevin Witt
Teaching our three daughters about human sexuality is something that flows naturally from our faith and wanting the best for them. We believe that God calls us to provide a strong foundation for our children, which enhances the likelihood that they will find beauty and fulfillment in every aspect of their life. This is core to good parenting. We have made a conscious decision that sex will not be a taboo subject in our home. Instead, it is treated like other normal parts of life. Just as we want our daughters to find meaning in their vocation, their friendships, their decision-making, their service to the community, their embrace with God, and their lifelong discovery of what it means to follow Christ; we will also encourage them to consider the meaning and purpose of sexuality. For us, sexuality is one dimension of a life of faith and love. The Bible is not timid about sexuality, which can be plainly perceived in the Songs of Solomon. Therefore, we will not avoid the subject either.
| The Bible is not timid about sexuality, so we will not be either. |
This article is not meant to cover topic or question. Nor do we want to give the impression that there are not other approaches for Christian parents. We are just sharing honestly how we discern God guiding us to take seriously our role in making sure our children learn what they need to know about human sexuality. We hope this article will encourage others to share additional thoughts and perspectives.
Our own parents approached this subject very differently, which gives us insight into what was beneficial and what failed to prepare us when we were young. This article reflects the collective wisdom we have learned both through experience and through study. We know it will not address all that parents may be facing or pondering, but it is our prayer that it will be one among many helps they find.
What Is the Purpose of Sexuality Education in a Christian Family?
We have given this considerable thought. It is tied directly to the question, Why has God incorporated sexuality into life as we know it? Ultimately, if God is love, then sexuality is meant to be one avenue for the expression of love. Now, by love we are not referring to the initial feelings of being attracted, to wanting another person to be ours, or to relating to someone simply for our own gratification. You can have these powerful feelings and in the end have it be anything but love. From a Christian point of view, love is more defined. It means choosing to do what is best in the long run for the well being of one's own body and spirit and the body and spirit of the other. This is the central lesson we try to get across in our family in regard to all types of relationships, not just when we talk about sexuality.
Love involves discernment and deciding. When it comes to romantic relationships, we believe one does not "fall in love." You may fall into attraction, but not love. You choose love and choose to be loving. Love sometimes requires more of us than what simply feels good. This, of course, applies to all relationships — not just to sexually intimate relationships. How I treat and honor myself, the earth, the stranger, and my family are all aspects of a wider way of living. Love has application, then, also to appropriate sexually intimate relationships. In this way, sexuality is not artificially separated out from other features of being human and being Christian.
| It is the separation of sex from the sacredness of God's love that causes distortions and grief. |
It is the separation of sex from the sacredness of God's love that causes many distortions and lots of unnecessary grief. The media and other voices bombard all of us, including our sons and daughters, with images of sex detached from love in its truest sense. Public schools rarely address the sacredness of sexuality. We are not confident that we should leave sex education up to our children's friends, either, since they may or may not be good mentors.
The church is big on love, but sadly too often afraid to mention sexuality, as though sex were a taboo subject in a religious setting. There are shining lights out there in some notable congregations and youth ministries where the topic does receive attention. We hope to see a greater embrace by faith communities of the recognition that sexuality is part of Christian life. While we understand that we are spiritual beings, we are at the same time physical beings — and both dimensions of our existence are meant to be expressions of God's intention and goodness. Therefore, the teaching of sexuality should not be missing from Christian education and lessons of spiritual wisdom. Sexuality is a gift from God well worth discussing as part of abundant living.
In the meantime, Christian parents need to realize their own role as crucial guides and teachers. Studies and surveys continue to affirm that despite assumptions to the contrary, parents still are the biggest influence in the lives of young people according to youth themselves. Our children are looking to us for insight, rather than leaving these lessons to chance or completely up to others to teach.
Proactive Parenting
In our conversations together as a couple and as parents, we have identified areas of learning that we believe are vital for a healthy understanding of and perspective on sexuality. These categories are outlined below. We intentionally introduce various topics when they are age-level appropriate. We take into consideration statistical information about youth development and culture, so we are not naive about what our children may be encountering at school and other places. Ultimately, our strategy is to have addressed subjects before they become emotionally charged. We want to influence our daughters' thinking early, before our children think they have already heard all about it from everyone else besides us. We are proactive in our parenting and refuse to ignore tough or sensitive aspects of human growth.
We want our daughters to study and talk about issues before they are caught off-guard in other settings. As parents, we help them prepare for what they predictably will encounter. One simple example is that we taught all of our daughters about menstruation long before their periods began as a natural part of life. We address feelings as well as facts. If a girl is to value her womanhood, then from our point of view the onset of menstruation might appropriately include a family celebration of this rite of passage — not hiding or ignoring it, as if it were shameful.
Finally, we want our children to think carefully about the values and goals they have for their lives that will influence their choices about sexual activity as they become older. Our primary aim is to begin early to teach them wise decision-making skills, because we know that as they grow older they will be less and less under our influence and more dependent on their own judgment and listening to the guidance of the Spirit for themselves. We do our best to prepare our children as they move from childhood to adulthood — to grow in responsibility for their own lives and decisions.
Reasons to Establish Teaching Partnerships
Most parents do not take on the task of teaching human sexuality as a solo project. They seek support from a variety of partners. Parents are not required to know it all. Christian parents see that their children have a variety of opportunities to learn what is favorable to their well-being and joy. We have chosen deliberately to partner with the church, resource publishers and suppliers, public schools, libraries, and healthcare professionals. In some cases, parents may be well equipped to lead all sessions on this topic, but most of us seek some assistance.
Parents are not required
to know it all. |
Some mothers and fathers may fear partnerships because they want their children exposed only to a single point of view. Other frames of reference could be negative or clash with the perspective they want their family to ultimately adopt. A pastor or public school teacher, for example, may not uniformly share a parent's perspectives on sexuality. Some resources may portray sex as little more than a form of recreation, which certainly pales in comparison what we are trying to get across. Sexual intimacy has a greater purpose and meaning. It is meant to bond two persons and seems appropriate only in a lasting, committed relationship. Not everyone may present it that way. Even some faith-based approaches to sex education could be problematic. A church leader could interpret sexuality and physical intimacy as something generally bad, which we would definitely not concur with.
Should a Christian parent, then, isolate older children and teenagers completely from other sources of information? We do not feel this is wise for several reasons.
First of all, children and youth already have sources of information that parents often are not aware of, such as friends or the media. Often these messages don't stand up to scrutiny, but if our youth never practice critical analysis skills because we don't even allow the subject to be brought up, how will they develop discernment? It is naive to believe our children will never encounter ideas beyond our own. That assumption itself could cause us to take our teaching role less seriously and intentionally. The requirement of not talking about any view except our own prevents us from great conversations with our children about the strengths and weaknesses of what they may be hearing. It would be all too easy to assume, as well, that we can wait much later to teach facts and perspectives on sex and sexuality, if we imagine that we are the only source of input our children are getting.
Secondly, many schools plan human sexuality and health courses that are age-appropriate and built right into the class schedules, so this part of life learning is addressed and not passed by. Even if we don't agree with the curriculum at every point, much of it is very useful and on target. We opt to have our girls involved in these courses. Because they are planned, we can examine what a school is teaching and talk with teachers about their approaches, so we can supplement important perspectives at home that we want our daughters to understand as they are focused on this topic. Again, if we take the time to look over the texts and lesson plans, we are not in the dark about what is being taught. Even if we differ with some aspects of it, it gives us opportunity to then talk with our daughters about the differences. Since the girls are learning this with their peers as a school subject already, we can use the timeliness of these teachable moments to add spiritual insights and perspectives that the school is not really set up to address.
Thirdly, we want our daughters to learn to evaluate and examine that which they encounter from a variety of other sources, in order to develop a keen ability to judge its long-term implications and value. We talk to them about the information they are hearing both formally and informally, and look at it from a variety of angles together, including our faith.
Fourthly, as children mature sexually, medical examinations and information are introduced naturally. Doctors, nurses, and other healthcare providers can be excellent teachers about health and human sexuality. We develop good relationships with our family healthcare providers who explain vital aspects of sexuality and healthcare to our children, which we reinforce. Libraries, publishers, and other sources of materials are available to parents. Some denominations are even publishing well-rounded human sexuality education resources that includes faith-based insights and dialogue.
| We want to have this meaningful dialogue while our children are still with us, not after they are grown and gone. |
Why, then, would we tuck our children away in a cocoon, only to send them off to college marginally aware of vital aspects of their life and how to evaluate the merit of people's opinions? This doesn't seem like a good way to prepare youth for young adulthood or influences they will surely encounter eventually. We would rather be able to have meaningful dialogue while they are still with us, not after they are gone and our opportunities are limited. This does not mean, however, that we don't screen what our children watch and learn for age-appropriateness. Nor do we purposely expose them to ideas and images that advocate abuse or portray people as sex objects. When these types of images are encountered in TV shows and so forth, they become teachable moments if not simply passed by.
In the end, we teach and we partner with other educators. We don't know everything there is to know about human sexuality ,nor is it likely that we will have the time or skills to create the texts, gather the latest data and studies, and organize every possible lesson to increase our daughters' comprehension and awareness. Ultimately, we use resources developed by others as part of our plan for teaching our daughters. Schools, faith communities, healthcare professionals, and resource producers, when wisely chosen, can be allies in preparing our children for abundant living.
| Christian parents can fulfill their responsibility by learning and identifying sound partners. |
We realize that some parents may be very ill-equipped to guide their children in this area, because they themselves were never taught. They may feel uncomfortable or shy away from being mentors. Even in these cases, Christian parents can fulfill their responsibility by learning and identifying sound partners to help them prepare their children for healthy, meaningful sexual relationships and expression in the future.
Here are ten areas of dialogue and learning that we consider vital for Christian parents who take seriously their role in teaching their children about human sexuality.
1. Biology and Sexual Development
Teach children the parts of the body and bodily systems related to sexuality. Use the actual names like penis, vagina, sexual intercourse, and so on. Using slang words subtly reinforces that we are uncomfortable with this aspect of being, and makes what is natural and normal seem bad or innately sinful. A child's natural curiosity will create ample informal teachable moments. Young children should have their questions answered truthfully and matter-of-factly. If they want to know where babies come from, don't tell them "the stork brings them." Explain briefly what actually happens. There are lots of books and resources with age-appropriate illustrations to use in helping younger children understand. Also, just answer their questions. It isn't necessary to go into details they haven't asked about or aren't developmentally interested in or ready for.
As children grow older, especially as they move toward puberty and beyond, age-appropriate planned lessons and dialogue can be taught on a wide variety of topics. These more organized lessons should not be optional any more than math, English, or other subjects. All are necessary to a successful life. Young people should learn about how their bodies function and how they will change, as well as the feelings and responses they will encounter as they mature sexually.
2. Loving Relationships
| Early teachings on love in general will later apply to sexuality. |
The lessons on loving relationships begin in early childhood and continue as children grow. These teachings do not begin with talking about sexuality or sexual intimacy, but are first and foremost lessons on the true meaning of love and how to love others and themselves, God's love for them, love and justice for those in need, love for the earth, and so forth. Parents should model a good and loving relationship as a couple, for children learn far more from what they observe than what they hear. Eventually, these teachings on love in general will be applied to teachings about sexuality and to decisions about what relationships are appropriate for sexual contact. As children move from childhood to being physically and sexually mature, these learning about relationships and sexuality will give guidance for dating and eventually choosing a compatible spouse. They will know to ask, What is best for my own well-being and the well-being of the other in the long run? Does the decision to engage in sexual activity coincide with what I understand of God's love and desire for me and the other person? Does it coincide with the stage of life that I am in?
On another front, we taught the girls how to recognize and report abuse and abusive relationships, so that they will not fall prey to victimizers. Thankfully, the schools reinforce these lessons.
Continue to part 2.
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