Extending Hospitality to Singles in a Family-Oriented Congregation

We seem to be caught between a rock and hard place when it comes to ministering with singles. Some single people do not want to be ministered to as single people. They are fine adjusting to the culture in which they find themselves. Other singles have specific needs, and they want the church to meet their needs as people who are single. Regardless of the needs and desires of both the congregation and the single people who find themselves in the pews, there are some things the church can do to better extend hospitality to the single population.

Defining what it means to be single is different for each single person. Contrary to what many believe or to those who do not even realize they subscribe to a particular way of thinking, there are many single people who feel whole. They live healthy, vibrant lives full of people and activities that feed their soul, move their spirit, and nourish their sense of identity. Being single is not always about not being married.

Of course, there are single people who do not wish to be single and are quite open and healthy about being in search of a life partner. There are also many single people who are in need of healing and could benefit from a ministry that reaches out to those single people who are grieving a loss or change in life.

There was a time when those who were divorced or going through a divorce were ostracized by the church, but now we see numerous growth groups designed to help people heal from the dynamics of divorce. There are also healing ministries designed to help those who have suddenly become single due to the death of a spouse. There are many single people who lose a spouse to a death who do not consider themselves single. There are also groups to help those who are not single by definition but "living as single" because their spouses travel extensively for work, are in the military, are living elsewhere due to illness, or have chosen to have a commuter marriage. There are people who are technically single but do not feel as though they are single because they have a significant other in their life. There are also single people who do not feel they do not have a family just because they live alone. They may have nurtured a network of friends who function as their family, and they do not feel alone.

So how can the church extend hospitality to the single population, knowing that no single person is like the next single person? It may be as simple as changing the language of the congregation. If you sponsor an event for everyone, you may need to say that it is "for everyone of all ages and stage of life." By saying that you are holding a "family event," and even saying, "all are invited," some single people feel left out. Often single people feel left out when they don't see images of single people in ministry. If your congregation is celebrating Christmas by having families take turns reading the liturgy during Advent, the single household "family" should also be represented. Some churches have completely taken the word family out of their vocabulary unless they are referring to their "church family."

Often the church forgets that there are single people who are clear about their stage in life and desire a connection with the congregation, but often feel left out. There is no way to say whose fault it is, because each person needs to take responsibility for helping define what the church can specifically do for the single population, whether he/she is the single person in need of a connection or the leader trying to facilitate the connection. It begins with small steps to help change the perspective of what it means to minister to single people.

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