Extending Hospitality to Singles in a Family-Oriented Congregation
by Soozung Sa, former staff, General Board of Discipleship

We seem to be caught between a rock and hard place when it comes to ministry with single adults. Some single people do not want to be ministered to as single people. They are fine adjusting to the culture in which they find themselves. Other single people have specific needs, and they want the church to meet those needs for them as single adults. Regardless of the needs and desires of both the congregation and the single people who find themselves in the pews, there are some things the church can do to extend hospitality to the single population.

Defining what it means to be single is different for each single person. Contrary to what many believe or to those who do not even realize they subscribe to a particular way of thinking, there are many single people who feel whole. They live healthy, vibrant lives full of people and activities that feed their souls, move their spirits, and nourish their sense of identity. Being single is not always about not being married.

Of course, there are single people who do not wish to be single and are quite open and healthy about being in search of a life partner. There are also many single people who are in need of healing and could benefit from a ministry that reaches out to those single people who are grieving a loss or change in life.

There was a time when those who were divorced or going through a divorce were ostracized by the church, but now we see a number of groups designed to help people heal from the dynamics of divorce. There are also healing ministries designed to help those who have become single due to the death of a spouse. A number of people whose spouses have died do not consider themselves single. There are groups available to help those who, although not single by definition, find themselves living as single people because their spouses travel extensively for work, serve in the military, live elsewhere due to illness, or choose to have a commuter marriage. There are people who are technically single, but do not feel as though they are single because they have a "significant other" in their lives. There are also single people who, just because they live alone, do not feel that they do not have a family. They may have nurtured a network of friends who function as their family, and they do not feel alone.

So how can the church extend hospitality to the single population, knowing that no single person is like the next single person? It may be as simple as changing the language of the congregation. If you sponsor an event for everyone, you need to say that it is for people of all ages and stages of life. By saying that you are holding a "family event" to which "all are invited," you may be causing some single people feel left out. Oftentimes, single people feel left out when they don't see images of single people in ministry. If your congregation is celebrating Christmas by having families take turns to read the liturgy during Advent, the single household "family" should also be represented. Some churches have completely taken the word family out of their vocabulary unless they are referring to the church family.

Often the church forgets that there are single people who are clear about their stage in life and desire a connection with the congregation, but often feel left out. Each person needs to take responsibility to help define what the church can do for the single population. It begins with small steps to help change the perspective of what it means to minister to single people.

posted 10-1-02