The Uniqueness
of Widowhood Calls for Special Congregational Caregiving
by the Rev. Patsy Brundige
Widowhood produces a grief experience different from all other losses. The moment her husband dies, every relationship in a widow's life seems to change. She has become "uncoupled," and her singleness initiates an identity crisis that is seldom experienced at the death of parents, a child, or dear friends.
Widows of all ages struggle with the daunting question, "Who am I now?" A widow may be an enigma to those closest to her. If she has young children, she must develop into the sole authority figure, and a time of testing and struggle may begin. Adult children often become either protective or distant, unable to share their own grief with each other or with mom. Couples who have been close can find their friend's singleness awkward, and a period of distancing may result.
A widow's deepest pain often centers on a sensation of separation from her former self. Becoming a widow causes a paradigm shift because, in many ways, she must "reinvent" herself as a different person, with new responsibilities. The maintenance of a car, house, and financial matters may temporarily overwhelm her. Mental forgetfulness and confusion, tangled with raw emotions of sadness and loneliness can become frightening.
Pastoral care and congregational support can become a widow's lifeline on her journey through grief. In addition to spiritual strength and guidance given by the pastor, a congregation can:
- Set up a widow-to-widow mentoring program.
- Provide a "widows only" support group where they can share their stories as well as learn how to navigate through grief.
- Give information, not specific advice.
- Make sure widows are included in the general social life of the congregation.
- Share altar flowers with them on difficult holidays, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas; be sure they will not be alone on those days.
- Become cognizant of the needs of individual widows (a young widow may need help with childcare while an older widow may require help replacing lightbulbs or transportation to night events).
- Provide books on widowhood to educate the congregation, as well as to help widows deal with their lives.
- Invite widows to prayer and study groups and other inspirational events.
Widows desperately need hope and assurance that life will be good again, and no one can provide that promise better than another widow. Every person grieves differently, and there is not a timetable for recovery. Major decisions, such as selling the house or investing insurance money, should be delayed if possible. However, there are other matters that can't wait. Health issues cannot be postponed, because losing a loved one seriously impairs the survivor's immune system. Balancing income and expenses may be the last thing a widow wants to tackle, but it is among the first things she must do.
Making decisions alone seems a monumental task. Nonetheless, each widow must decide if she will simply endure and let time take the sharp edges off her life, or if she will choose to struggle and grow! A widow's grief work can be summarized in three declarations:
I will endure — surviving;
I will struggle — stretching;
I will grow and change — moving on.
Recently a woman described widowhood as standing outside her house, looking in the windows, watching familiar activities, all the while wondering why she could no longer get inside. Congregations must make sure widows find refuge within their church, as well as understanding and compassion within their family of faith.
The Reverend Patsy Brundige is co-author of Hope for a Widow's Shattered World and is a recent recipient of the North Texas Annual Conference Hermann Cook Award for her work with older adults throughout her ministry. As a retired pastor, she is associated with Oak Lawn United Methodist Church in Dallas, and she is actively speaking and leading workshops on grief recovery for widows. You may contact her at patsybrundige@yahoo.com.