Sexuality and Older Married Couples
by Richard H. Gentzler, Jr., D.Min.
Sex and aging are often linked to negative humor that is filled with disdain and apprehensiveness about growing older. We have all heard jokes about "dirty old men" or "sex-starved old women." Certainly some of this reflects negative feelings about older people and aging in general or what is often called "ageism." Among the stereotypes of ageism is the myth of desexualization: If a person is old (or getting old), he or she is finished with sex. There is a widespread belief in our culture that sex is for young people only.
Misinformation surrounds the issue of late-life sexuality. For example, there is a common presumption that sexual desire diminishes with age, but this is not necessarily the case. According to a recent survey by the National Council on Aging, among married respondents age 65 and older, more than 68 percent said that having a sexual relationship will be important in making their later years "meaningful and vital."
The Bible provides evidence that in biblical times some couples were sexually active in their later years. For example, we read in Genesis, "Now Abraham and Sarah were old; advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, 'After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?'" (Genesis 18:11-12). Even though Sarah had "grown old," she gave birth to her son, Isaac. The same is true with Zechariah and Elizabeth, who "both were getting on in years" (Luke 1:7); yet, Elizabeth in her advanced age gave birth to John (the Baptist).
It is important to remember that sexuality is often a delicate balance of emotional and physical issues. How you feel may affect what you are able to do. For example, men may fear that impotence will become a more common problem as they age. But if they are too concerned with that possibility, they can cause enough stress to trigger impotence. Likewise, a woman who is worried about how her looks are changing as she ages may think her partner will no longer find her attractive. This focus on youthful physical beauty may get in the way of her enjoyment of sex.
Older couples face the same daily stresses that affect people of any age. But they may also have the added concerns of age, illness, retirement, and other lifestyle changes. These worries can cause sexual difficulties. Some people may experience decline in sexual desire and activity with advancing age. Such a decline can be seen as part of the normal aging process. Nevertheless, older people in reasonably good health should be able to have active, satisfying sex lives.
Following are ten ingredients for older couples who want to continue an active, satisfying sex life.
- Follow a healthy lifestyle — exercise, eat nutritious foods, drink lots of fluids such as water or juices, don't smoke, and avoid alcohol.
- Try to reduce the stress in your life.
- Make your spouse a high priority.
- Pay attention to his or her needs and wants.
- Take time to understand the changes both of you are facing.
- Keep in mind that sex does not have to include intercourse.
- Try different positions and new times, such as having sex in the morning when you both have more energy.
- Don't hurry — you or your partner may need to spend more time touching to become fully aroused.
- See your doctor regularly.
- Keep a positive outlook on life.
Sexuality is a gift from God. The basic human need for affectionate physical contact, which is apparent even in newborn babies, persists throughout life.
Dr. Richard H. Gentzler, Jr. (rgentzler@gbod.org) is the Director of the Center on Aging & Older-Adult Ministries, Nashville, Tennessee.