Grief Care: A Neglected Ministry
by the Rev. Kenneth E. Reed, Ph.D.

This process of healing through grieving is a renewing spiritual journey. Jesus said, "Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted (made strong)." In other words, those who thoroughly mourn the loss of a loved one will find new meaning and purpose in life and a closer relationship with God. Out of this relationship come newfound freedom and strength. Congregations have a responsibility to help members grieve. By facilitating the grieving process, we help them grow in the faith and learn how to live without their deceased loved one. Contrary to what most people think, time does not heal. Time gives space and opportunity to heal.

Society believes that a person "gets over " his or her grief in three to six months. The truth is that we don't "get over " our grief. We heal by going through it. Healing through grieving is a process that requires much effort, and this takes time. In reality, it takes about three years to fully grieve and develop another stable lifestyle after the death of a significant loved one. Herein lies one of the reasons grief care is often a neglected ministry. Most pastors state that lack of time interferes with providing adequate bereavement care. As one pastor put it, "Bereavement care is a priority, but after the funeral when it gets on the 'to do' list, it goes to the bottom of the list due to more pressing congregational priorities. I just go on and feel guilty." Many busy pastors hope that members of the congregation will provide the support and care grieving members need; but in most instances, this does not happen. Grieving is a lengthy process unique to each individual; it does not fit well with the busy, restrictive schedules of our society. This, coupled with society's general lack of understanding regarding the grieving process, deprives grieving members of the love and support they need, intensifying their feelings of isolation and abandonment.

"There are times when you reach out to others because they need it, not because they ask for it" is the way a husband who lost his wife after a long struggle with cancer put it. Months after his wife's death, he shared his anger with the pastor for not ministering to him after his wife's funeral. The pastor assured the older gentleman that he was there for him; all he had to do was ask. The unfortunate part of this interaction was that the man was asking for help by sharing his anger and disappointment; the pastor missed still another opportunity to minister.

Be sensitive. Grieving is hard work, and it will be a long time before the bereaved person has energy to spare. "Never!" was the thought that popped into the mind of a widow and active church member when her minister asked her when she was going to be ready to assume more responsibilities within the church following the death of her husband. Lack of sensitivity and compassionate caring grows out of lack of knowledge and experience. This increases the pain and sense of alienation and loneliness the bereaved are experiencing.

When we fail to acknowledge the significance of someone's death, we have failed to affirm the significance of that life as well. One pastor who lost her brother in a tornado experienced added disappointment and hurt over the lack of support she received from her denominational leadership. "They sent me a postcard when my brother died. That's all they did." Unfortunately, 97 percent of our churches don't provide bereavement care beyond ten days after the funeral. While we can't do the grieving for others, our support and encouragement can help them on this difficult journey. Lack of bereavement care for grieving members is a source of disappointment, pain, and anger that is rarely addressed by pastors and denominational leaders. Most grieving members do not feel free or worthy to share their anger. Rather, they make excuses for their pastors, such as "he or she is too busy." And this thought accentuates their pain and anger. Failure to effectively grieve often becomes a lifetime source of struggle and conflict within interpersonal relationships for individuals.

Lack of bereavement care can lead to poorer participation in the life of the church, reduced church attendance, transfer to a church that is "more caring," or abandoning the church community altogether, putting the church as well as the bereaved at risk.

There are about 120,000 deaths annually in The United Methodist Church. On average, there are three close family members who will grieve each death. That means 360,000 family members plus extended family and members of the congregation will be grieving annually. That is a lot of sadness and pain that can have a negative impact on the survivors and the congregation. It is also a missed opportunity to nurture members in the Christian faith. An ongoing grief care program fosters a more loving, caring spirit among members and provides a practical way for members to express their love and concern. Especially in our aging and older congregations, it is imperative that we take the lead in caring for those who are grieving.

"Only when grief finds its work done can God dispense us from it."
    — Henri Frédéric Amiel, 19th-century Swiss writer/critic

The Rev. Kenneth E. Reed, Ph.D. is an ordained elder in The United Methodist Church. Ken, who lives in Indianapolis, has developed the Healing Through Grieving program.