Just this week I was noticing how our five-year-old male cat had suddenly begun showing some baby kitty behavior. Tikvah had never been one of those cats who would use his paws alternately in a rhythmic pattern on a human stomach to give himself comfort. I have been told that such a thing is a revisitation of a memory of coaxing milk from his mother while nursing. Out of the blue, our cat began doing this very behavior two weeks ago. Whenever I sit down in a comfortable chair, he now jumps to my lap and begins this loving gesture, accompanied by a low purrrr. Our pet is in good physical health, and appears normal and usual in every other way. Could it be that animals pick up things that we might not? Many times children perceive things out of the spiritual or emotional plane that we busy, intellectual adults may miss. Perhaps it is the same with animals to some extent. At any rate, it was enough of a reminder to me that all the talk of coming war is likely to have an impact on children, even now, before the missiles begin to fly. Therefore, I am going to suggest some stress clues that parents need to be watching for, as well as some helpful responses to that stress.

CHILD CONCERNS:

Safety
Children dearly love their families; so naturally all the talk about war will cause them to fear for their own safety, as well as for the safety of their family members. Some may not want to leave home. Others may not want family members (especially Mom and Dad) to leave home.

Response: Assure your child that her/his concerns and feelings are important to you. Assure the child that you are confident of your safety and his/hers. If you are people of faith, a small prayer before leaving the house can do wonders with children's fears. Periodically phone the child while you are away if intense fear has been expressed. Leave a note with your location and time of expected return written on it. Be generous with the timetable, not cutting it too close. If you happen to run late, be sure to call. If the child is afraid to leave home, send along a photo of you, or the family, as a reminder that you are still together in heart. They fear being forgotten or separated. Be punctual when picking the child up after an activity outside of the home.

Too Much Information
Children can be very literal and very concrete. They believe what they see on television, and often apply it directly to their own lives. Be careful not to have the news on while they are in earshot or view. If things get really tense, use a personal, portable radio and earphones to keep up on the news. Keep an eye on the television shows the child watches. Sometimes special reports and news alerts pop up in the middle of programming. You may need to preempt some of these bulletins with a quick diversion. Be aware of the conversations you have with adults in the house and on the telephone, so that details or concerns about the war are not overheard by little ones.

Response: If you get caught having to address a child's concern as the result of news or conversations, be honest but vague on details. Be positive and encouraging. It is fine to say that Cincinnati is far away from Iraq, but not wise to say that the conflict will be over in a day or two at most. Use a map to show the distance between the Middle East and Ohio.

Note: Since 9/11, the threat of terror has brought the conflict and the potential of danger into the realm of possibility for towns across the US. If terrorists are mentioned, assure the child that many trained people are busy doing their jobs to protect us. Let the child know that the government has a plan. (Again, faith in God, and in God's ability to protect, is very helpful.) The child may want to have a family plan as well. If that brings comfort, write out a plan to buy some extra bottles of water, extra batteries, candles, and some snacks, etc. Allow the to child help you shop for the items. Allow the child to put them in a special box labeled "EMERGENCY." Being prepared removes some of the sense of helplessness.

Emotions
If the conflict breaks out into full war, everyone will be on emotional overload. First of all, be aware of your own emotional state. You will likely have moments of fear, worry, anger, impatience, sadness, and the like. Do not ignore those feelings, but care for them. Speak to another adult, apart from the children. Set aside some extra quiet time for yourself to settle, pray, reflect, and relax. Know that your children will be looking to you for cues about their safety and security. Your emotional responses and behaviors will be their cues. Try to stay calm in their presence. There may be a lot of physical energy pent up in you and in the children because of the stressful situation. Plan some rambunctious, physical fun, like snowball or pillow fights to release the physical tension. Watch for signs of depression, isolation, and withdrawal. If outside counseling is needed, do not hesitate to seek it. Children may transfer their emotional load to their body: experiencing stomachaches, headaches, etc. Attending to the emotions may help avoid medications. Sleeplessness may occur if the fears persist, as the child stays in a hyper-alert mode. Plan some quiet, fun activities and reading time before bed. Some children will again ask for a nightlight. Allow it. Some little ones may need to sleep closer to their parents to feel secure. Allow for an occasional sleeping bag campout on the family room or bedroom floor. Make it a special and fun event, not making a big deal of the fear factor. Be sensitive to feelings, explore feelings; however, do not be governed by them. Keep thinking, keep functioning, stay creative. Emotional overload may make concentration on tasks and studies more difficult. Be patient and persistent in love. Watch for regression, as some children will revert to some rather babyish behavior in their sense of insecurity. Encourage the child in his/her capabilities, while giving out some extra hugs. Preschoolers may transform into "superheroes" to deal with their fears. Encourage them in this role-playing activity. Some children will fight with friends and siblings, and become more antagonistic toward parents. Do not allow open aggression, but certainly explore the feelings and perceptions that are feeding it.

What About Fear and Anger Toward Neighbors and Contacts Who May Be Arabic or Middle Eastern?
Assure the child that there are many wonderful people who have come from this area of the world. Remind them that there are people who choose to do good things or bad things in every people group. Share that most of the people your children see around them are American citizens as we are. Almost everyone around us hates war as much as we do. Now is a perfect time to suggest that we set a good example by doing good things for others. Certainly you may be asked if all the people getting hurt are bad. Likely this is an inquiry to determine whether someone will come and try to hurt or kill him if he is does something bad. That question is easier to field than whether innocent people are being hurt or killed. It is better to say that the military is doing its best to protect the innocent people (the harm to the moms and the kids seems to be a priority for small children) from getting hurt, than to get into the realities that war kills innocents as well as those who are doing bad things. The latter may only increase anxiety, depending on the child's age. Teenagers may challenge parents on the "just cause" of war. Be prepared as well as you can by exploring your values and thoughts in advance of the question.

Note: It is OK to not know all the answers to the many questions that may come to you. It is sufficient to say that you do not know, rather than to try to make up something which the child is likely to recognize as false or inadequate. Know that older children may take an opposite position on the war from what you declare. It is their way of testing out their thoughts and trying to sort out their confusion. Do not overreact.

Family Members Participating in the War as Military Personnel
Certainly there will be fear arising in the child, as well as in all extended family members. Stay positive, rely on your faith, stay active. It helps to write letters and to draw pictures or to send photos to those serving in the military overseas or domestically. If an immediate member of the family is not involved in the war, it is good to support those who are involved. Write letters to soldiers. Give extra care, help, and support to single moms and dads whose spouse may be serving in the military.

What If Terrorism Manifests in an Attack Within the USA?
None of us fully knows what response will be required of us physically or emotionally in that case. Our experiences and responses after 9/11 may be revisited. However, this time we may have to quickly receive immunizations or create a sealed room. As much calm and focus and faith that we can muster will be a benefit to all family members, as well as to the community. Just as before, we will rise to the occasion, keeping the sense of mutual support and cooperation, as we handle the crisis together. That is the key. We are family and we will get through this together. That message will go a long way in helping our children — and all of us — cope with the realities of war.

Posted 3-28-03.

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